goodbye to a decent year

Including today, there are thirteen days of school left. We're wrapping up with all of the final assignments being thrown at us, and a blog reflection is required--technically, this post was due on Friday. But, I've been 1) concussed, and 2) putting it off.

I have had a really strange year. I have been homesick, physically in so much pain it has brought me to tears, and unbelievably confused about my purpose in life and why I feel the things that I feel. There have been many nights where I've kept my best friend up late listening to me rant out my panic attacks and also many nights where I've been too sad to engage in any kind of human contact. Time has been a strange concept to me this year. It feels like my life has been on pause since mid-August, but at the same time as it feels ninth grade has lasted 10,000 days. The year has been a blur.

Even though sometimes it feels like it, my year has not been completely awful. When I'm sad, I'm drowning myself in doubt and hopelessness. But my life is not only made up of bad moments. This year, I have grown and gotten stronger. This year, I have learned a lot.

I have learned what it feels like to be at peace while hanging out with my friends, and I have learned how to be selfless enough to take care of my friends. I have learned the extremity of my pain (physical and mental) and how to deal with it. I have learned, at least somewhat, what I want to do with my life, even though I don't talk about it much. I have learned how to write about the things I feel so homesick about to make that aching feeling hurt a little less.

There are things I'm trying to learn but have not really mastered yet: I am learning how to properly communicate with my mom and not be so scared and guarded all of the time. I am trying to understand that I am not being constantly judged. I am learning how to appreciate moments and slow my mind down. I am learning how to deal with the aftermath of visiting my home state, where when I come back to Utah, it feels like a piece of me has been ripped from my chest. I am learning how to talk about my problems and feelings. I am learning how to let go of things I no longer enjoy, but preserve them as a good memory. I am learning to be stricter with myself in some areas, and also more lenient in others.

photo courtesy of Maggie Lindemann

I am learning. I am trying. I am growing. I sure as hell know that I'm not perfect and I am trying my best to get beyond my self doubts and realize that I have a major support system. I am comfortable with my friends, but I need time to really get comfortable with myself. I hope that by this time next year, I have done nothing but improved. I plan on continuing to post on here, but I do not know when that will be. So for now, I'd like to thank this blog for giving me a place where I know I can always rant. But, in peace, I am leaving the shore, and hopefully I will find a better place to plant my roots. I am more than the person I was this year.

May we meet again. Sincerely, Kenzie.